Fight or flight with a side of bile (which is an emulsifier)

My biology class is producing these biological functions and elements that are now ruling my life. Who knew that just a simple class could make you want to run far, far, far, far, FAR away. oh and throw up.

The best place in the WORLD to have a rehearsal dinner

Today we found out that our local Chinese restaurant will host our rehearsal dinner. This place is very special to Ben and I. We hung out there before we started dating and we went on our first few dates there. We have continued to be great customers of this place. So great, in fact, that they know our names and all that great stuff that makes it 'our' place. I am very excited about this and all I can say is I hope everyone likes Chinese food .... what am I saying - of course everyone likes Chinese food.

day three: sucess!

"ahhhh bear!!" I screamed.

"It's ok, it was just a dream, we are safe!" Ben soothed me while tapping on the car window to prove our safety.

I sighed a breath of relief

"Let's go swimming" I suggested

"It's like 60 degrees outside!" Ben exclaimed "It's too cold"

"Oh come on, we brought floaties!" we don't even have to get in the water just lay on top!" I urged

Ben agreed and we marched down to the lake ready for a great time.

I opened the floaties and we started blowing them up

about an hour later we were almost finished!



YEAH!

"Ok, jump in" I told Ben

"Ummm... you go first" He replied

I started to put my feet in the lake ... it was cold, really, really cold. But, because this was my bright idea I had to go thru with it. I grabbed my floaty and made a leap onto the float. Unfortunately, I missed, and sufficed to say I was not a happy camper (pun intended)

Ben, being smarter than I, did not get into the water.

We then decided that our floats made much better air mattresses than floatation devices.

"Hey, look, those people are laughing at us!" I pointed to our neighbors.

The family that was camping next to us was being very entertained.

In fact, we gave them such a good show that they gave us their leftover steaks and corn on the cob. mmmmmmmmm steaks!

Night 2: Heavy breathing

After more exploring, we made a meager fire, and a great dinner of hot dogs and smores. We were tired from almost being mugged so we settled in for the night. Since there was no chance of rain in the forecast, I quickly fell asleep.


"haasshh haa haa"

I woke up with a start to the sound of heavy breathing.

"Ben!" I said, shocked "just because we are in the middle of the woods doesn't mean I will...."

"Snore" - Ben was sound asleep.

"Oh, well" I thought to myself "I guess I was just dreaming."

"Haaaa hashhaa."

My heart started to pound - I wasn't dreaming. There was something right outside of our tent. Something big and scary!!!!!!!!

I hit Ben to wake him up quickly. "What!" He yelled at me, grumpy from being woken up.

"Shhhhhh" I cautioned.

"Do you hear that?" I asked him

"Haaaa hash hah"

Ben looked at me and said "What is that?"

"It's a bear" I squeaked.

" A bear!" he exclaimed "Cool!" Ben started to unzip the tent to get a closer look.

I hit him again, this time for being an idiot.

"Don't open the tent! Are you crazy!" I hissed "Oh my God, what are we going to do!"
"Get your gun!"

"I don't have a gun" Ben looked at me exasperatingly

"Ben, how can you come so unprepared to the wilderness" I said.

Ben answered "Look, a gun wasn't on the list of camping supplied that I pulled off of the internet."
"I'm sure it's not a bear" he whispered "It's too early for bears."

"Haaash haaa sha"

The breathing was getting louder, the animal was right in front of the tent door... our only exit.

"BEN!!!! You put the trash by the tent door!!!!" I hissed again.

There was no way out. We only had a small window on our other side and I didn't think I would fit through it. Curses for being fat!
I was going to get eaten by a bear. After he was done eating our left over hot dogs, I was going to be next. It will say on by gravestone "Here lies Chelsea - she was desert."

"I'll scare him off" said Ben "I'll just make a lot of noise."

Ben started yelling and clapping and I followed his lead by putting on my shoes and getting ready to run.

There was no more breathing. Everything was silent. Ben opened the tent door and everything looked normal. The only thing out of place was the trash bag which has been ripped open and it's contents spilled.

"I want to sleep in the car" I said

"It's gone!" Ben replied. "I'll move the trash bag, it won't come back"

"I want to sleep in the car" I repeated getting teary eyed. I had just had a near death experience.

"Baby, it's ok, the thing is gone it was probably just a raccoon" Ben tried to comfort me.

"I want to sleep in the car" I said once more

Ben sighed. "Ok let's go sleep in the car."

We grabbed our stuff and headed to the car for the second night in a row. Oh well, so much for tent camping.

Day two: Downtown Hot Springs.

Sorry it took so long to continue with our camping story – but I’ve been a little busy with getting engaged … *smile* Anyway here is an account of day two:

Ben and I woke up early to the birds singing outside our car window.

“Isn’t this great honey – nature right at our front door” said Ben, who was abnormally cheery for having just spent a night crammed into a car.

I glared at him menacingly “I need to take a shower” I growled. It was true, I did need a shower. If I had been a cartoon there would be green waves surrounding me.

“You do!” exclaimed Ben

Ben was exceedingly lucky that I was too tired to kill him. Not too tired to think it, just too tired to do it.

We dragged ourselves to the community showers to clean up. Afterwards I suggested that we take a trip to downtown Hot Springs to see all the touristy crap. Ben agreed and we were on our way. By the time we arrived, downtown was swarming with tourists. We pushed our way through the crowds and found very interesting shops to explore. My favorites were, the costume shop, the best fudge shop ever (it really was good) and the old toy’s toy store. As we were meandering about, a homeless person stopped me and asked me for money.

*cough* “you got any spare change” *cough*

“Sorry, don’t have anything.” I said truthfully

He glared at me

Ben and I carried on with our meandering but something was amiss… the homeless person was following us! I got completely freaked out and made a mad dash for the nearest store.

“What is wrong with you?” Ben asked

“That homeless dude was following us!” I explained

Ben looked at me like I was crazy.

He looked at me like I was even more crazy when I made us go to our car and leave the city of Hot Springs – without even looking at one hot spring. Ben was totally jipped. But because I am his girlfriend and also cute, he put up with me.

“Don’t blame me!” I said sweetly “Blame the crazy homeless guy.”

Ben said “of course I will honey, that’s the American way!”

And all was well in the land of Chelsea and Ben.

Guess what?

So I got engaged. How about that? And I didn't even have to pay anyone or get knocked up. We are so happy! The date, I think, is going to be around the second week of December. Tis the season to be married, right?

PS I am currently taking advice... with a grain of salt of course!

Peril in the Night

The sun glowed from behind the treetops a bright red-orange reminding us that it would soon be night. The disappointment of the Three Sister Springs had tired me immensely so we decided to visit “The Best Fudge Shop Ever” the following day.

We headed back to our tent sight to get ready for the night. After our dinner of turkey burgers and more Doritos Nacho Cheese Chips, we thought it would be great fun to start a fire (in the fire pit of course) and make s’mores. We put our pre-bought log in the pit with a heavy stack of kindling. Seeing as we are novices at camping, my dad thought it wise to equip us with a blow torch to start a fire.

Hmmmm good idea?

I think not.

Even though we had fun laughing maniacally while torching the giant log, it was rather in vain. Not only could we not start the fire with our flame thrower, uh I mean blow torch, we also used most of the propane … on our first night. Finally, we got a meager fire going. But in comparison to the surrounding campers, it was rather pathetic. I felt rather bad for us because making fires is sort of like comparing penis sizes, you want yours to be the biggest and the hottest. And as I had previously said, ours was really small. I felt like Bill Clinton. I needed reassurance in my camping prowess.

Utterly defeated, we climbed in our tent for the night. The rocks, holding our tent down, protruded into the tent making sleep uncomfortable to say the least. Finally sleep grabbed a hold of me and I was out like a light.

“drip,” “drip,” “pour” “CRASH!”

Oh goody, a hurricane, I thought. I felt the bottom of our tent. It was covered in water.

“CRASH”

Yay! More thunder and lightening. I suddenly remembered that I was deathly afraid of storms and there were no walls to protect me from this giant one. All the protection we had was a thin piece of leaky plastic. In fact, we were sitting in a puddle of water … which conducts electricity. And we were humans, which also conduct electricity --- we were practically goading the lightning to strike us. “Hey, you, lightening, over here! The big, pathetic, wet college students – you can’t get us! Na na na na na!”

“I think we should sleep in our car” I yelled to Ben over the loud rain.

“You think?” Ben asked sarcastically.

“Let me call my dad” I said

After a conversation of “it’s three in the morning you’d better be dead” from my dad, we decided to head for the car. And that is where we slept for the remainder of the night.

Even thought this was truly a night of peril, I learned something very valuable. I could totally live in my car. I always thought people who lived in their cars to be a little ‘unusual’ but seriously, it’s not that bad. You just recline your seat all the way back, put your feet on the dash and instant bed. Now that I think about it, it is a very cost efficient way to live – I think I might try that this summer, with the windows rolled down of course.

Three Sister Springs

Wow this is taking a lot longer than to write out than I thought.

Anyway, the Three Sister Springs is a magical place that cures every disease! Some examples of this mystic power are …




I was so excited to cure my 'mucus colitis' I could hardly wait to taste these cool refreshing springs.



Don’t they look inviting. “BUT WAIT!” what does that sign say in the left hand corner????



What a rip off. From this day forth, I shall never fall for some touristy crap again. So we ditched the Three Sister’s and traveled on to our next stop – the famous “Best Fudge Shop Ever” in the middle of down town Hot Springs. Boy, I can’t wait to taste the delicious fudge from the BEST FUDGE SHOP EVER!!!!!!!

Afternoon of Day One

Chuck stopped typing and looked us squarely in the eye “Well you are in sort of a bind eh?”

“You’re a smart Mr. Woodchuck” I thought to myself.

“I’m thinking that it was our error, so we will set you up with another tent site no extra charge” Chuck beamed at us benevolently.

“GREAT!” we both exclaimed.

So our trip came into full fruition when we were assigned tent-site T2.

We came upon our impressive site and surveyed the surrounding area. It was beautiful. We were right on the water and the pine trees sheltered us from most of the glaring sun and whipping wind. We set up our tent with little hassle.
You see, being the responsible people we are, we had been ‘practicing’ how to set up the tent before we even left Texas, so we were almost pros. I say almost because of one little problem. Our tent site was gravel and our tent pegs did not want to go into the hard and unforgiving ground. So we did the only thing our smart brains could think of. We weighed the tent down with large rocks. I rather liked the look. Our tent was the most unique on the strip. I felt just like a celebrity with people stopping by our tent to point and take pictures. I just waved sweetly and practiced my poses. My best: the pouty lip pose.
Once our tent was set up, Ben decided we were hungry. I, being the wonderful cook that I am, slaved away creating a masterpiece of sandwiches and Doritos nacho cheese chips. When we were finished, we went to do a little sight seeing. Right around the corner there was a tourist trap; I mean ‘attraction’ called “Three Sister Springs” a supposed cure-all for every ailment. Why a drink from these springs will cure my Mad Cow disease for sure! (Of course I don’t know for sure if I have Mad Cow disease seeing as it can live in your brain for 20 years before surfacing) All I can say is this attraction taught me what the word “charlatan” means. But that lesson is for the next addition of “Spring Break 2007”

Day One ... Triumph and defeat

Ben and I felt the exhilaration of hitting the glorious open road. It filled us with such joy that I could hardly control my foot from becoming entirely lead. You see, my family was getting farther and farther behind me. This, in itself, was a day of celebration! Ben and I were jamming to the tunes of Ralph Stanley, Jack Jonson and Michael Jackson (before he was creepy). What could be better. After several hours of driving, we arrived at beautiful Lake Ouachita State Park. The tall pine trees towered over us and the lake twinkled in merriment beckoning us to jump in. But first we had to check in at the visitor's center and get our tags for the campsite.

"Hi, we would like to check in, it's under Ben Warriner" Ben nodded towards the park ranger.

'Chuck' The ranger's name tag gleamed. I immediately thought of the Mr. Woodchuck ranger puppet from the TV show Full House and giggled a little.

"Ok, let me check our computers and see what we got for ya" The Chuck said politely.

"hmmmm" he scratched his chin in puzzlement "We don't have you in here" He looked up at us accusingly, "are you sure you made a reservation?"

"Yes," Ben exclaimed. "The lady I talked to said we were booked for this weekend."

"Well let me check again" The Chuck typed furiously at the keyboard while I tried to rhyme 'how many letters can a wood chuck type if a wood chuck could type letters...no it doesn't work. Ben then looked uneasily at me and I grabbed his hand in nervousness. It was like waiting for the announcement of the Grammy awards.

Oh and also, I had driven 5 hours to get here and there was NO way I was going to turn around.

"Ben Warriner, here you are" He said.

I smiled in relief. He called Ben's name. We had won!

"You are booked for June 15th. He raised his eyebrows towards us.

"WHAT" Ben and I both yelled in horror. It was not June 15th. It was not even May or April 15th. It was MARCH 15th - I started to hyperventilate.

What will become of us? Will we have to turn around and go back from whence we came? Or will we tell the park ranger that he better find us a place to stay or we will have to bunk with him tonight .... you'll find out in the next installment of "Spring break 07"

Ralph Stanley is like an orgasm for my ears …

Don’t ask me why I have gotten on a bluegrass music binge. Perhaps it is because we are traveling to Arkansas and bluegrass just gets me in the Arkansas mood. Mr. Stanley’s music can best described as the dueling banjos in the movie Deliverance ... plus singing. This music brings me back to the simple things of life, like nature, family, and overalls. I really, really REALLY want some overalls. Now I know what you are thinking … “fat people don’t wear overalls.” How wrong you are. Haven’t you ever seen these super fat guys that wear the white cut off Tee-shirts and the giant overalls – that could be me!

Arkansas or bust!

We are going to have a roarin good time!

Do you know how I know that? It's because even if we don't make it and break down on the side of the road with only a giant muddy ditch to comfort us, we are so over prepared that if we DO break down - we can just vacation on the side of that road. We have enough food for a month, clothes for about the same and even if there is no lake on or near the side of this road - we can blow up our inflatable floaty things and use then as beds, or use them to slide down the ditch or we could even create a make shift bounce house out of them if we get out the duct tape. Whatever happens - we will have fun. And I'm thinking we are going to do the make shift bounce house if we make it or not, that just sounds really fun.

I'm so excited and I just can't hide it

You know under normal circumstances one may wonder why anyone would willingly go to Arkansas. I happen to think however that it is a good thing!

Especially when you know no matter what you will enjoy yourself.

=B=

That butterfly feeling?

My boyfriend wears a funny hat...

My boyfriend wears a funny hat
it makes me kinda mad
ten feet high, up to the sky
I hope it's just a fad

My boyfriend wears a funny hat
it's white and sparkly green
stripes around, just like a clown
the worst I ever seen

My boyfriend wears a funny hat
it looks a little gay
he thinks he's cool to act a fool
Cuz it's saint Patricks day.

Chelsea, I love you!!

I just wanted you to know that I love you.

=B=

Ode of Love - by Ben

Your skin glows like the orange, blossoms furry as the lilac in the purest hope of spring.
My heart follows your saxophone voice and leaps like a goat at the whisper of your name, Chelsea.
The evening floats in on a great flamingo wing.
I am comforted by your shoes that I carry into the twilight of bus beams and hold next to my rib.
I am filled with hope that I may dry your tears of blood.
As my testicle falls from my pants, it reminds me of your TV.
In the quiet, I listen for the last slam of the day.
My heated eye leaps to my bra. I wait in the moonlight for your secret piano so that we may ran as one, eye to eye, in search of the magnificent fuchsia and mystical hospital of love.

I can't even do one thing at once ...

Some people drive and talk on the phone, then crash and die. Some people watch a movie while doing homework and end up with 8 pages on how hot Jessica Biel is. And some people attempt to have sex with the TV on ... we all know how THAT one turns out. These futile attempts at multitasking almost inevitably fail. This is because two uncorrelated activities are being focused on which leads to being distracted in at least one.

I wish I had this problem.

Today, I realized that I do not even need a second activity to hinder my brain function. All I was doing was walking. Most people, by the age of 24, have gotten the hang of this motor skill but for some reason that unique part of my coordination is lacking.

"SPLAT"

Do you know what that sound is? It is the sound of me falling in the mud.

Thank you, that is all.

vacation is almost over ...

Real life is creeping up on me again as time for the new semester rolls around. I have had way too much fun this Christmas break. But, unfortunately, real life must commence.

I learned something new …

When you go to Wal-Mart, at four in the morning, there aren’t any Wal-Mart greeters. This so excited me because I happen to think the smelly old greeters are a little ‘too’ friendly.
Upon discovering this new revelation, I almost decided to make 4 o’clock Wal-Mart trips a regular. ALMOST. The reason I decided against such a decision is because of a Wal-Mart greeter impersonator! Yes, that’s right folks, as I walked into Wal-Mart some guy was standing by the door. He glanced at me and nodded and said “morning” I was confused because I very well new the stock line “welcome to Wal-Mart”. Of course As I was exiting Wal-Mart I saw the same ‘Wal-Mart greeter’ pushing a cart full of clothes and blankets away from the Wal-Mart parking lot. I HAD BEEN FOOLED! That greeter I had put my trust in, and smiled back at was no greeter, just a cold hobo. Now I know that I say that hobo’s rock, and most do, but NOT that one. CHARLATON!