525,600 minutes

Won't you light my caaaannnnndddddlllleeee....

Take me oooowwwwwwttttt tonite.....

maurenn cheated? fucken cheated....

La vie boheim....were sisters/brothers....

So I'm a degenerate ... yea me!

I had to read this wonderful book entitled degeneration by Max Nordau. This was an interesting read. You’ve heard the term degenerate right? Well in the context I am talking about this is where …back in the good ol’ days … crazy/criminal people were thought to have certain physical characteristics …stigmata if you will. And This Nordau guy said – not only do crazy/criminal people have physical stigmata but they also have certain personality traits. These traits, in themselves, do not seem criminally insane but unfortunately these are key characteristics in a degenerate and if allowed to continue will degrade and delude the morality of the human race.

So why should you care?

Because you are friends with (apparently) a lesser evolved degenerate…ME!

Here is the description for an emotionalistic degenerate.

“A Commonplace line of poetry or of prose sends a shudder down his [her] back; he falls into raptures before indifferent pictures or statures; and music especially …”

“He [she] is quite proud of being so vibrant a musical instrument, and boasts that where the philistine remains completely cold, he feels his inner self confounded, the depths of his being broken up, and the bliss of the beautiful possessing him to the tips of his fingers. His excitability appears to him a mark of superiority; he believes himself to be possessed by a peculiar insight lacking in other mortals, and he is fain to despise the vulgar herd for the dullness and narrowness of their minds.”

So apparently I am a pompous ass who cries at everything and I suck… but that’s ok because I not only discovered that “I” am a degenerate I found that one of my friends [Ben] is also a degenerate, a pessimistic degenerate to be precise … so at least someone else sucks besides me.

Description of a pessimistic degenerate

“These patients feel perpetually compelled to commiserate themselves, to sob, to repeat with the most desperate monotony the same questions and words. They have delirious presentations of ruin and damnation, and all sorts of imaginary fears.”

“In this picture of the sufferer from melancholia; a downcast, somber, despairing of himself and the world”

“The degenerate who shuns action, and is without will-power, has no suspicion that his incapacity for action is a consequence of his inherited deficiency of brain [sorry Ben you just can’t help it you are a lesser evolved human – and you suck]

“In order to justify himself in his own eyes, he constructs a philosophy of renunciation and of contempt for the world and men.”

Well I hope we all learned something from my little blog. If you hang around me or Ben we will corrupt and delude you and possibly destroy the human race. [We suck - high five Ben]

Axe Pie?

Ok this is how it all started (dreamy flashback music playing in background) My friend and I were talking about Ebay (cuz that's how cool we are) and he was saying that he looked up all of the things that you could NOT sale on E-bay. Some of these things include:

1. Animals
2. Prescription drugs
3. Illegal drugs
4. "Special" hair *wink, wink* (ok I made that one up)

So I asked him why he was looking this up and he mysteriously replied "I just wanted to know…" To this I wittily remarked "trying to find out if you could sell naked pictures of yourself eh?" He sadly said "no" and then said "that sounds like something you would do." I found that quite funny and replied with a camera flashing motion. He somehow took this as spraying whipped cream (dirty, dirty mind) and he laughed and said "yeah whipped cream" I was shocked and quite affronted and said I would never do that unless it was eggnog flavored whipped cream. He thought that was pretty darn funny and said that egg nog flavored whipped cream was a great idea and that it would taste good on the chocolate pie that he was currently eating. I agreed and that reminded me that I've always wanted to throw a pie at someone. I told him this and he said "yeah like your grandma" I laughed and said … yes, not an eggnog pie - but an axe pie. So I invented egg nog flavored whipped cream and a pie make out of razor sharp axes. A Very productive day don't you think?

Am I meant to be a teacher?

Well I think the answer to this is a big resounding YES!

Why? because I spent my saterday afternoon with my little brothers and sisters playing games and acting stupid.

I thoroughly enjoyed teaching them several "drinking" games ... Kings, Split, BS, (whatever stop being a hypocrite....they need to learn early so they can win!)

unfortunaly my mom found out...she wasn't thrilled.

My dad on the other hand joined in and beat us to a pulp...(yeah we know how he spent his highschool years) Its amazing how drinking games can bring a family closer...thats sad huh?

Awww how cute

My dad is making a second thanksgiving dinner for just our family (no crazy relatives) and he is putting the turkey in a brine ...(whatever that is) This "brine" is a new thing for him and I don't think he likes it ...

How do I know this you ask?

Well, the kitchen is a wreck, he spilled it all over the floor and the fridge and I've counted the word "shit" coming out of his mouth 53 times. I think by the end of the day we might have a record. He hasn't moved on to worse language so hopefully he won't explode. (although that might be kinda funny)

So You Think You're Cool Huh?

Well you are! If your name is Chelsea Dougherty, Elizabeth Hurley or Amber Mumford. That’s right you heard me - we ROCK. And just to show you how much we rock, I will tell you a few things that we have said that … well …. are just awesome.

Sex
Amber - Who need sex … I've got fingers
Elizabeth - Getting a test back is like an orgasm. You are like "oh god … oh god … yessssss" or "oh god …. oh god …..noooooo"
Chelsea - Yes, I would like to be a whore turning tricks on the corner.
All - It’s a good thing or so we remember/have been told.

Guys
Amber - Stalkers love me.
Elizabeth - Men are only good for one thing …ok they have nothing going for them.
Chelsea - I hate men who disguise themselves as men but are really girls with penises.
All - Flypaper for freaks

School
Amber - School sucks
Elizabeth - Lets drop out
Chelsea - and be a hobo!
All - Agreed

Work
Amber - I wonder how much they would pay me to be a phone sex girl…
Elizabeth - I relate so well to dysfunctional teen-agers …uh oh that can't be a good thing.
Chelsea - If the los ninos act up I'm gonna push 'em off the swing.
All - Need to marry a rich old dude

Life
Amber - Sucks
Elizabeth - Blows
Chelsea - Savers rock
All - Agreed

Police dogs
Amber - I've got nothing … really I'm innocent.
Elizabeth - I want to pet him … no the police man.
Chelsea - Awww how cute …RUN!
All - think that shock collers are a great idea for guys/children/grandmas

Ben
Amber - He looks like a serial killer … but in a good way.
Elizabeth - He looks like he wants to kill me or something.
Chelsea - He looks to me like he needs some egg nog.
All - He's a fox

Russell
Amber - Russy-wussy
Elizabeth - Secret agent man!
Chelsea - ummm how about eccentric … no wait just f***ed up.
All - He rocks!

Jon
Amber - Just do it
Elizabeth - But he's catholic.
Chelsea - Then he must die … or at least … nope just die.
All - He must die … oh, wait no that’s still me

Ryan
Amber - Girl
Elizabeth - Girl
Chelsea - *sigh* Girl
All - Well I think you can figure this one out on your own.

Tyler
Amber - ha ha I'm going to Arizona.
Elizabeth - I plead the 5th.
Chelsea - In my mind I'm going to Carolina.
All - Wish it would be surgically removed from Texas and implanted into Mexico because everyone knows that Mexico already sucks.

Not All Babies Are cute

Seriously... My cousin's baby- The ugliest thing I've ever seen. I didn't know babies came that ugly. You know what a monkey looks like? All wrinkly and hairy and funny smelling? Yeah … that would be an improvement. Eveyone tries to be nice about the baby saying stuff like... "oh he's smart" That’s' just BS. Sort of like going on a blind date and asking about your prospective date … "What's he like?" "Oh, he's really smart."

REALLY?

NO!

SMART = UGLY

This is a well known fact. If I ever have a baby and people call it smart … I am going to punch them in the face.

Another thing they say... "It's getting cuter" also BS. People don't even call it by its name - that's how ugly it is. Like Frankenstein … no…WAIT even he had a name. So I sweetly suggested that the baby go on extreme makeover. I mean, you've seen the ugly people they have on that show … well ... he's PERFECT! And they have never surgically altered a baby on TV before … I'd watch that. Well, that didn't go over too well. I don't know why not. I was just trying to be helpful.

She Can't Read Lips ... I Hope

Is it wrong to whisper mean (hilarious) things about your deaf-great aunt in front of her. I mean she can't hear what we are saying. She is just sooooo darn annoying. And it is just soooooo darn fun. That's bad huh?

who are ya'll and what have you done with my family

Wow! A whole Thanksgiving spent with my family and I didn't need a fork once! I was amazed. Aside from the usual mean spirited jokes (Which I thoroughly enjoy and partake in) everyone was in a jolly mood. My cooking abilities didn't even get made fun of … this is monumental since I usually hear such things as "uh oh what did Chelsea make this year" and "Be careful it looks dangerous" Everyone liked what I cooked …yea! The highlights of the day …

MY brother got his head completely shaved …and he had A LOT of hair. I asked my grandpa (who doesn't have hair) if he wanted me to glue it together to make a wig. Hehe.

I drank a sip of Guiness ... YUCK! the grossest stuff on the planet. My uncle told me it tasted like a chocolate malt, to which I said ... LIAR! (as I spit it out)

My Grandma gave me her usual lecture about who to aviod in life.
1. Indian people - They just crazy - they'll steal your baby.
2. Black people - They cheat on ya... and smell funny.
3. Mexican people - When they get a sip - they just don't know when to stop (points to uncle Juan who is drinking Guinness)
4. German people - they are tight and they'll cut your throat.

My little 5 yr old cousin (who everyone thinks is gay) (he's not, he's just sensitive) told me I was the bestest most bestest in the whole wide world… (I think it was because I gave him a "my little pony" to play with) (Hey - I encourage whatever anyone is … not just what they should be…he loves "my little ponies") I got looks of death from his "manley" father.

I made my family mad by receiving 20 calls/text messages during dinner … they told me to stop making drug deals on thanksgiving to which I replied "hey a girls gotta get paid"

My grandma went around randomly saying "asshole." I laughed every time I heard it … it just doesn't get old. I asked her if she had turrets and she pretended not to hear … oh well, my uncle thought it was funny.

I almost ran over two ugly people who were walking down the wrong side of the road. I just missed them - I wasn't paying attention. Too bad, if I had been ... there would be two less ugly people in the world.

Happy Thanksgiving

Yea! Thanksgiving. Happy Thanksgiving to everyone … except the people I hate and to you I say … "FORK." Now on to better things like … oh I don't know … Food. Lol OK so the best and most greatest thing about thanksgiving is not actually the food. It’s the wonderful time you get to spend with your family. (If you didn't get the dripping sarcasm then you don't know me AT ALL)

Some wonderful things that my family has said to me on thanksgiving
"What did you do to your hair? That is not the right color. It makes you look dead." (I would rather be dead than be here with you anyway)
"Do you really like that guy? He's kind of ugly …" (Have you LOOKED in the mirror? Have you?)
"Did you put on lipstick? Because you need some." (And you need a facelift/liposuction/botox/paper bag) No - I do not need lipstick … I need alcohol/drugs/a fork.

And people wonder why I am the way that I am ….

I don't know what to dooooooo with myself

It's amazing what you can get accomplished when you are bored….No friends around, no work, no school ….I am feeling ever so productive. …Yes - I have pretty much sat around all day and wrote stuff for this thing (so sad) but true. Of course I can't forget the little things I accomplished like 1. Making my dad mad. 2. Making my mom yell. 3. Giving my brother a complex. 4. Drinking egg nog.

I Need a Fork

Do you ever see/hear/smell certain people and just want to stab them with a fork? Well I do. People that I hate …
1. Girls that think that people actually listen to what they say. (I mean really, do you think I want to hear about your cheating, lying boyfriend that you can only get because you're a whore?)
2. Guys who act like girls who think that people actually listen to what they say. (No I do not care about your car/hair/clothes/football team/computer/video games.)
3. Parents who think that people actually listen to what they say. (Sticking fingers in ears while humming)
4. Musicians who think that people actually listen to what they say. (But of course vertigo is the place to be… where else? For the love of god will "you two" just shut up?)
5. Celebrities who think that people actually listen to what they say. (Get over yourself the rainforest sucks - let's pave it.)
5. Politicians who think that people actually listen to what they say. (I point at you unmercifully while chanting "liar, liar, pants on fire")

NOOOOOO anything but that!

I would rather have my tongue cut out and stapled to my head then be around these things.

1. Old people
2. My grandma
3. Smelly people
4. My grandma
5. Annoying people
6. My grandma
7. Ugly people
8. My grandma
9. Whores
10. My grandma

Egg nog is orgasmically good

Now before you say anything ... it really is. Have you ever tried the stuff? Well you're stupid and you should. Either that or just throw yourself off a cliff and rid the world of one more annoying person.
If there was no more egg nog left and someone had a "nog" mustache I would totally lick it off. You think I'm joking but I'm not.
mmmmmm egg nog

I love hobos

I love hobos ... in fact, if I knew a hobo I would give him some beer and crack for Christmas. (and maybe a sock ... all good hobos deserve at least one). Now you may ask yourself "Why does she like hobos" and all I have to say to that is "You're one freaking idiot" and possibly "Why do you ask yourself questions? Do you not have any friends" for gods sake at least ask your dog or something. I mean what kind of person goes around asking himself questions? If you knew the answer, you wouldn't have asked yourself to begin with now would you?
Anyway, back to hobos. I just love 'em. I love 'em enough to write the annoying contraction "'em" and that shows pure careless adoration.
A few things I specifically love about hobos:
1. They know how to be resourceful. Not only do they "use and reuse" but they steal. Now that's what I call resourceful.
2. They know how to use their charm. I have never wanted roses, window washing or herpes more.
3. They get all the annoying people in the world to avoid them ...No, really have you ever seen ANY of them befriend/talk to/refrain from beating a doctor or lawyer? No. And this is because all doctors and lawyers suck and hobos wouldn't be caught dead associating with this "class" of society.
4. They are very skilled in pyrotechnics. Who knew you could make fire with a syringe?
5. They are very, very fast. A hobo has speed. Whether its running from the cops or running after you ... they are like lightning. I tried to race one the other day and ... well... we all know how that turned out now don't we.
If you really want to do something for christmas then for gods sake become a hobo.

Girlie men Suck

OK, let me ask you all a question ... why ... when you date a guy ... does he become a freakin girl? No really - I'm serious. Several stupid and annoying things I have heard this week ...
1. "Why didn't you CALL me" (because you're annoying)
2. "Why are you so distant" (because you're annoying)
3. Why do you always talk about yourself. (because you're stupid)
4. What do you mean by that? (you're stupid)
5. Why do you have to be so mean. (because you're stupid and annoying)
ARGGGGHHH!!!!!
Ok that was my rant for today. And I don't want to hear "Well, why is she dating him" because I don't even know myself ... I just am. I'm a makeout whore.

Wow that sucked

OK so I have no idea what I was thinking. I wrote some "poems" the other day ....( yes, I know I'm laughing my ass off at that idea as well but let me finish) and I looked at them today and all I have to say is "wow that sucked." You know perhaps I was slightly delirious or maybe even taken over by zombies/aliens/annoying mind controlling hypnotists that they show on Montel. But then I remembered clearly writing them and only have the strong feeling of shame and vomit. Ok, remind me NEVER to write poems again because I sound like .... I don't know ... I just don't know.