The Many Adventures of Chelsea and Meg

Very Very old --- must update sometime

This is a work of fiction.
Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental.
(I have to say that... you know who you are.)

Chapter 1

Once upon a time, there lived a sinister and evil king named Jeremy. He ruled his kingdom with a sexist hand, commanding all women to wait on him. Two of his maids (both quite pretty I should mention) were named Chelsea and Meg. These fair maidens were not like any other in the land. Both were very smart, witty, charming and not at all blonde. The girls had only one flaw, and that was their humbleness. You see, Meg was so humble that she would never remark to anyone about her glorious dimple, which showed up, when she smiled. Her companion, Chelsea was so modest that she never talked to anyone about her superior musical abilities. Even with their extremely modest nature, they still felt that Jeremy’s abhorrent commands where beneath them. If they weren’t subjected to such hard labor, then Meg could be out flashing her dimple to all the eligible bachelors and Chelsea could be performing her many musical talents ... although she still hadn’t figured out a way to play the piano while lying on top of it.
One day, while washing Jeremy’s ... unmentionables, Chelsea suddenly had a brilliant idea. Getting a brilliant idea so excited her, that she threw Jeremy’s leopard thong into the air.

“I have an idea!”

“You’re going to tell me why we are doing this.” Meg groaned as she wrung out Jeremy’s dirty boxers, which, by the way, had little red hearts covering them.

“Let’s overthrow Jeremy and take over the kingdom”

“I don’t know,” Meg said, as she contemplated the thought.

“Oh come on!” Chelsea shouted. “He’s as dumb as an ox, how hard can it be?”

“Ok” Meg agreed.

So Meg and Chelsea marched forward to storm the castle- leaving the underwear behind.

When they came to the door of the mighty castle, a wizard dressed all in black greeted them.

“Greetings to the lesser sex.”

“You mean fairer sex” Chelsea replied

“Are you an elf?” asked Meg.

The wizard looked very put off by this remark, so Meg covered her blunder by asking a much more intelligent question.

“What’s your name?”

Quite pleased by her aptitude with verbosity and wit, she continued:

“I‘ve never met an elf before.”

“My name is Ryan Brown” he replied in a condescending tone.

“Well, move over” Chelsea demanded, “We are here to overthrow the kingdom.”

You might be surprised that Chelsea revealed her plan to the wizard, but Chelsea was never one for subtleties and besides, the elf ... I mean wizard ... didn’t look all that menacing. In fact, he would have looked rather friendly if it weren’t that his hair had the look of an 82 year-old woman. It was in a sort of quaff with curls at the end. This, to Chelsea, showed signs of pure evil. The wizard raised an eyebrow in surprise to Chelsea’s overtures of ousting the current leader. After about five seconds of raising his one eyebrow, he got tired and had to let it rest. Thank goodness for that, because Meg had never seen anyone raise only one eyebrow before and she was so mesmerized by it, that the wizard could have turned her into a frog before she would have noticed a thing.

“To enter these gates,” he declared waving a pointed finger knowingly; “you must answer my riddle”
Ryan proceeded to make swooping gestures with his hands trying to imitate the wizards that he had seen on TV. (Yes, they had TV. This is a Chelsea story, remember?)

“OK, “ he began, here is the riddle:”
“30 white horses upon a red hill, first they chomp, then they munch, then they stand still. What are they?”

Chelsea and Meg were very bewildered. Not only by the riddle, but also because Ryan, the wizard, had given them a tap on their heads with his wand for each syllable that he pronounced. If you have ever been hit on the head numerous times with a magic wand, then you know how bewildered it can make you feel.

“Hmmmm.” Chelsea and Meg said in unison.

Ryan Brown looked annoyed and shook his head at the stupidity of girls.

“Hmmmm.” they said again

The wizard threw his hands in the air and smiled an exaggerated toothy smile, hoping they would get the hint.

“Hmmmm.” the girls said still not getting the message

Chelsea and Meg decided to sit down and ponder.

“Hmmmm.”

Ryan Brown stamped his foot impatiently and started chomping his teeth together.

“Hmmmm.” The girls said, while secretly thinking that this particular wizard might have a mental deficiency.

Finally, Ryan Brown pointed to his pearly whites while mouthing the word “teeth” repeatedly.

“Oh! I get it!!!!!!” Chelsea jumped up. “It’s thirty white horses!”

“AHHHHHHHHHHHH” Ryan yelled, “It’s teeth, Teeth, TEETH!”

“Oh,” Meg piped up; “I get it” She looked smugly at Chelsea, for everyone knew Meg was the Rhoda.

“Wait a minute,” Chelsea said, “The riddle says thirty white horses, therefore, it IS thirty white horses. Take some critical thinking punk, she thought.
Ryan shook his head in disgust, “It’s a metaphor” Take a lit class woman.

“No, No, No” Chelsea insisted, “you said 30 white horses...

“OK” Ryan shouted “you’ve past the riddle. Now just go - please.

With this statement he pulled a great wooden lever which opened the drawbridge.

“Alright!” Meg happily exclaimed.

Meg grabbed Chelsea by her arm and dragged her away, because she was still trying to argue with Ryan about the fact that the answer to the riddle was really thirty white horses.
Meg and Chelsea started to leave but not without noticing Ryan’s agitated state first.

“Why me?” he asked himself out loud. “I just wanted to be a knight”

Chelsea could have sworn she saw a tear trickle slowly down Ryan’s cheek. Ryan continued groaning to himself about the unfairness of life and stupidity of women. Although, stupid as women were, he thought, he still couldn’t manage to get a date. He had tried every spell in the book. “Vastly virile,” “heap of hunk” and “ a plentiful ...” well you get the idea. He even read the book “The Many Modes of Masculinity” written by the benevolent king, Jeremy Payne. How could chapters such as “the exciting world of the NRA” and “Muddin’ for dummies” lead Ryan to come up empty handed with the ladies? He shook his head in confusion.

“Say...” Chelsea began, interrupting Ryan’s muttering.

“Pity party, pity party,” Meg sang mockingly to Ryan. For everyone knows the best way to make someone feel better is to taunt them unmercifully. Chelsea hit Meg on the head to let her know teasing this poor elf wasn’t appropriate.

“The problem is,” Chelsea observed, “that you are listening to Jeremy and not being yourself.”

“Let’s call the whaaaambulance” Meg teased, pointing a finger.
Chelsea and Ryan looked at Meg reproachfully

“But Jeremy is our benevolent king, Ryan exclaimed, “the ruler of all, greatest of the great, brighter than the sun, more gorgeous than any supermodel, too sexy for his shirt ....” Ryan stopped suddenly as he noticed that Chelsea was making retching noises while sticking her finger down her throat.

“Let’s get da bwaybwey a bwottle.” Meg bellowed

“I’m telling you, you just have to be yourself, and then you’ll find a girl who likes you for who you are, not because of some stupid spell or ridiculous book. Imagine doing the plentiful spell, You know, that can go terribly wrong ...”

Chelsea stopped suddenly and looked at Ryan with a mocking smile as if to say ... did it?
Ryan raised an eyebrow in contempt, which in turn memorized Chelsea’s companion making it impossible for her to continue her taunts and jeers.

“Sorry,” Chelsea apologized quickly, for she was not the kind of girl that takes pleasure in others misfortune. Although she could not help giggling to herself at the thought of ... well you get the idea.
Ryan lowered his eyebrow but not without warning Meg that if she taunted him again he would make them answer another riddle. Seeing that no one wanted this, especially Ryan, Meg kept her mouth shut.

“Oh and one more thing,” Chelsea asserted, “change the hair puhleese, I know this killer stylist down in the village that can fix anyone's hair, even yours.” Chelsea handed Ryan a business card that read :
Philip Periwinkle
Scrumptiously Superb Stylist
For all your fashion needs
(817) 681-3745
Call me babe
Ryan took the card, but not without thanking Chelsea with a little one fingered gesture.

“Oh, you’ve got one of those as well” she noted “me too” she showed him both of hers with a smile and said “mine work better”

With those fond farewells Chelsi and Meg proceeded to enter the castle.