Letters to Santa

So here is an endearing letter to Santa from a little boy in Tyler, TX, named Matt:

Deer Santa,

Do you shave? How much do you way? Do you tak showers? I wud like a long horn. a pelit gun. a dirt biek. I relly like you and race cars.

Matt

If I was Santa - This is how I would reply

Dear Matt,

How about NO! Not because you have been bad - although I do know what you have been keeping under your mattress - but because you are a redneck. Now, its not that I don't like rednecks - I mean heck, red is my color. But like I said its not that I don't like them I just really can't stand them. So there will be no "pelit gun", or "Dirt Biek" "and certainty no "long horn."
I am afraid I have this silly rule about not giving ignorant redneck children presents - it's just a thing I have.
Also, what kind of kid asks Santa if he takes showers? I mean how would you like it if I asked you that question? That's called "Santa will be in jail this year."
Anyway Matt, get ready for a Christmas filled with no presents (well you might get a switch, you could possibly pretend it was a "pelit gun")
You know just because you are so retarded I have half a mind to get you a helmet - you will prob need it later on in life.
Have a "relly gret crismis" (freakin illiterate)
A very irritated - Santa